OOppps…I Did it Again! – *TimeOut*

Nahh…I haven’t got the Britney Spears song stuck in my head!
Today morning, I (once again) deactivated my FaceBook profile!!
Activated Mode: Antisocial

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The last time I did it was about 6 months ago…just the past winter – I remember reactivating it after 1 month, after returning from Sydney trip & feeling rejuvenated 🙂 Memories…
Then, the reason for deactivating was that 1 thought : 1000+ Friends. Do I truly have that amount of people who are my ‘friends’?? Or am I overgeneralizing the term ‘friend’? I was going through a crisis back then…at work. A point where my self esteem was at lowest low…survived it – just like all the other down times of yesteryears.
wpid-poster-awesome-time-remember-fix.jpg
All those negativities surrounding the missing plane etc etc on FB didn’t help me either.

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This time, Not totally due to exam stress – partially, to wean myself off, maybe.
But history had proven I didn’t utilize my time wisely post deactivation – instead, I slept and slept..and slept a good portion of the winter off – which did help to quieten the demons within my head.

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Have you ever felt like the heat & dryness of the summer is burning you? Literally…stinging your skin, Even when indoors?!! That’s how it has been feeling past 2 days…HOT FLUSHES! Hahahaa…I am still too young for menopause :p
I guess the heat cooked my brains & made me a little emotional – or perhaps, it was just the culmination of all the stressors & being near burn-out! Any surprise all my recent posts on work-life-balance, burn-out, money isn’t everything, etc etc…

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Trips home weren’t real holidays…a holiday is like what I had during my Sydney trip (minus the course) – R&R. Period.

And here I was going home in less than 2 months time…there were people I was looking forward to meet, otherwise, it didn’t feel like much a holiday to look forward to. So, due to temptations, started day-dreaming about an international (other than the country where I’m from & where I’m living now) trip this year – winter escapede!! A friend instigated me…so, was even more excited to have a travelmate!
An unexpected revelation last night confused me. How am I to plan anything? I prioritize things & people in my life…family & friends always come first – so much so the BFF who’s wedding I am attending next month, was someone who tipped me off almost a year in advance (and I booked my tix way early too, during an AA promo)! If I can, I will be there, for those who matter to me. Though not in my present life anymore, out of sight isn’t out of mind for yours truly.

I reckon the mistake I have made over and over again is to Not prioritize myself. I love myself, but I don’t give priorities to my needs. I end up doing what is ‘right’ or what would ‘please’ people who are important to me. BAD Habit!
Probably that is why I am the stubborn rebel that I am – too much of bending over my back in younger days – which shaped my character & has unfortunately made some people treat me as a pushover in the past.

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I need to ‘budget’ my holidays, some truly relaxing ‘Me Time’…for this entire year – 2015.

2014 – financial instability, with settling down issues – so I skipped my ‘visit 1 new country a year’ mantra and settled for ‘a state in Oz which I have never visited before’. Not like I had anyone to share my trip with…if I was to wait for travelmates, I would be stuck in my little cottage all the while! Well, I did try though :p

Hhhmmm…no room for other mid-year days off – as if it will be dished out to me on a silver platter as and when I request. Sighhh…firstly, I need a break from this place and work environment, before it totally sucks out the life out of me!

But I do greatly appreciate being granted the emergency leave when I needed it less than 2 months ago! But, I had to miss a family event due to short notice as I didn’t even request for the leave – given the fact other colleagues needed it more than me – only to spend the day in tears! Knowing I am the girl who would be there…neither a wallflower, nor the lifewire – but an important part of any family events, just because – It Is Family! That’s my priority. Just because I am oceans apart, I have never estranged myself…
I am the founder of numerous whatsapp groups (family & friends) just to keep everyone connected and in the loop…

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Negativity!
Yup, that is the reason I deactivated my FB this time round. Not only some of the discussions – racism, tragedies & bad news (that’s why I stopped reading or watching news years ago)!
After running a baby-picture positive vibe pay it forward campaign in the wee hours of this Saturday morning…I realized lately my optimism was becoming more like the clown’s mask! It was becoming a habit, part of me alright – yet, it started to feel fake now…as deep down I am very stressed up & negative.

garden of good thought

It was just a matter of time before I inflicted any of those negativity to others – via my posts. Already caught myself sharing one such this morning. So, that was it – Deactivate!
The day I could truly restart planting a garden of good thoughts – I will be back! I know who are the ones who would miss me…history has proven 🙂

I have to say a big TQ to all those fellow optimists in my circle – who helped pepper & spread some niceties on a daily basis, on my timeline…

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The last time I reactivated after merely 1 month, it was because I started missing people & the connectivity I felt to them via status updates/timeline photos. This time? I don’t know…

It isn’t easy to live all alone as a migrant in a foreign land. With so much uncertainties & oppression. So few familiar faces. But thank God to the ones who are reliable & have become familiar during this short stint.
Probably, I am running a social experiment to see how long it takes people (who have known me for a duration longer than I have left my first home) to reach out to me when there is no news at all, or updates from me – to see who truly cares :p
I’m sure many would go like : Ooohh…there she goes, deactivated again. *shake heads*
Thankful for those who care…

I shall not waste my time on those who don’t…whoever they may be. Yup, it is my nature to be caring – and doing it daily at work, has made it not only something I ‘fake’ in the line of my duty, not just a professional facade – but IS a part of me…to reach out, check on, and just reconnect to say ‘Hi’. Which has come to a draining-point now….somatization – the way my body is just falling apart lately!

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I know what are the steps I need to undertake for my future – time to be a little Selfish!
First up…regular GYM, maybe! 😀 To refocus and pump up the endorphins & adrenaline supply.

Though in a weird way, I feel like I have deleted myself…my life…as if, I am walking out on the people I care about. Because this time round, I have decided I’m not going to reach out until I settle some of my internal mess – too much in this little head of mine.
But I have got to do what I have to do. I need to know if my gut feeling has been right all along – that even if I am no more, it wouldn’t matter much to anyone – nobody at all 🙂 Not like I am a priority to anyone.

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Thus, the mission begins:
Time to rediscover the girl whom I was…the happy, carefree, lighthearted smiley-girl 😀
I don’t know how or where I lost her, but somewhere along my journey of relocating to Australia, unfortunately! After the years of self discovery of a survivor…how could I possible lose myself again? Sighhh…
Time to live my life to the fullest – in reality, not just virtually!

Adieu, Facebook…till I come out of this antisocial phase & feel the need to reconnect again (with people who mostly wouldn’t even realize I’m gone!?? *roll eyes*)

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One Response to OOppps…I Did it Again! – *TimeOut*

  1. sonja says:

    well, bravo to you. but at least tell your parents that you won’t be responding to them first before doing that, will ya?!

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