Nahh…I haven’t got the Britney Spears song stuck in my head!
Today morning, I (once again) deactivated my FaceBook profile!!
Activated Mode: Antisocial
The last time I did it was about 6 months ago…just the past winter – I remember reactivating it after 1 month, after returning from Sydney trip & feeling rejuvenated 🙂 Memories…
Then, the reason for deactivating was that 1 thought : 1000+ Friends. Do I truly have that amount of people who are my ‘friends’?? Or am I overgeneralizing the term ‘friend’? I was going through a crisis back then…at work. A point where my self esteem was at lowest low…survived it – just like all the other down times of yesteryears.
All those negativities surrounding the missing plane etc etc on FB didn’t help me either.
This time, Not totally due to exam stress – partially, to wean myself off, maybe.
But history had proven I didn’t utilize my time wisely post deactivation – instead, I slept and slept..and slept a good portion of the winter off – which did help to quieten the demons within my head.
Have you ever felt like the heat & dryness of the summer is burning you? Literally…stinging your skin, Even when indoors?!! That’s how it has been feeling past 2 days…HOT FLUSHES! Hahahaa…I am still too young for menopause :p
I guess the heat cooked my brains & made me a little emotional – or perhaps, it was just the culmination of all the stressors & being near burn-out! Any surprise all my recent posts on work-life-balance, burn-out, money isn’t everything, etc etc…
Trips home weren’t real holidays…a holiday is like what I had during my Sydney trip (minus the course) – R&R. Period.
And here I was going home in less than 2 months time…there were people I was looking forward to meet, otherwise, it didn’t feel like much a holiday to look forward to. So, due to temptations, started day-dreaming about an international (other than the country where I’m from & where I’m living now) trip this year – winter escapede!! A friend instigated me…so, was even more excited to have a travelmate!
An unexpected revelation last night confused me. How am I to plan anything? I prioritize things & people in my life…family & friends always come first – so much so the BFF who’s wedding I am attending next month, was someone who tipped me off almost a year in advance (and I booked my tix way early too, during an AA promo)! If I can, I will be there, for those who matter to me. Though not in my present life anymore, out of sight isn’t out of mind for yours truly.
I reckon the mistake I have made over and over again is to Not prioritize myself. I love myself, but I don’t give priorities to my needs. I end up doing what is ‘right’ or what would ‘please’ people who are important to me. BAD Habit!
Probably that is why I am the stubborn rebel that I am – too much of bending over my back in younger days – which shaped my character & has unfortunately made some people treat me as a pushover in the past.
I need to ‘budget’ my holidays, some truly relaxing ‘Me Time’…for this entire year – 2015.
2014 – financial instability, with settling down issues – so I skipped my ‘visit 1 new country a year’ mantra and settled for ‘a state in Oz which I have never visited before’. Not like I had anyone to share my trip with…if I was to wait for travelmates, I would be stuck in my little cottage all the while! Well, I did try though :p
Hhhmmm…no room for other mid-year days off – as if it will be dished out to me on a silver platter as and when I request. Sighhh…firstly, I need a break from this place and work environment, before it totally sucks out the life out of me!
But I do greatly appreciate being granted the emergency leave when I needed it less than 2 months ago! But, I had to miss a family event due to short notice as I didn’t even request for the leave – given the fact other colleagues needed it more than me – only to spend the day in tears! Knowing I am the girl who would be there…neither a wallflower, nor the lifewire – but an important part of any family events, just because – It Is Family! That’s my priority. Just because I am oceans apart, I have never estranged myself…
I am the founder of numerous whatsapp groups (family & friends) just to keep everyone connected and in the loop…
Yup, that is the reason I deactivated my FB this time round. Not only some of the discussions – racism, tragedies & bad news (that’s why I stopped reading or watching news years ago)!
After running a baby-picture positive vibe pay it forward campaign in the wee hours of this Saturday morning…I realized lately my optimism was becoming more like the clown’s mask! It was becoming a habit, part of me alright – yet, it started to feel fake now…as deep down I am very stressed up & negative.
It was just a matter of time before I inflicted any of those negativity to others – via my posts. Already caught myself sharing one such this morning. So, that was it – Deactivate!
The day I could truly restart planting a garden of good thoughts – I will be back! I know who are the ones who would miss me…history has proven 🙂
I have to say a big TQ to all those fellow optimists in my circle – who helped pepper & spread some niceties on a daily basis, on my timeline…
The last time I reactivated after merely 1 month, it was because I started missing people & the connectivity I felt to them via status updates/timeline photos. This time? I don’t know…
It isn’t easy to live all alone as a migrant in a foreign land. With so much uncertainties & oppression. So few familiar faces. But thank God to the ones who are reliable & have become familiar during this short stint.
Probably, I am running a social experiment to see how long it takes people (who have known me for a duration longer than I have left my first home) to reach out to me when there is no news at all, or updates from me – to see who truly cares :p
I’m sure many would go like : Ooohh…there she goes, deactivated again. *shake heads*
Thankful for those who care…
I shall not waste my time on those who don’t…whoever they may be. Yup, it is my nature to be caring – and doing it daily at work, has made it not only something I ‘fake’ in the line of my duty, not just a professional facade – but IS a part of me…to reach out, check on, and just reconnect to say ‘Hi’. Which has come to a draining-point now….somatization – the way my body is just falling apart lately!
I know what are the steps I need to undertake for my future – time to be a little Selfish!
First up…regular GYM, maybe! 😀 To refocus and pump up the endorphins & adrenaline supply.
Though in a weird way, I feel like I have deleted myself…my life…as if, I am walking out on the people I care about. Because this time round, I have decided I’m not going to reach out until I settle some of my internal mess – too much in this little head of mine.
But I have got to do what I have to do. I need to know if my gut feeling has been right all along – that even if I am no more, it wouldn’t matter much to anyone – nobody at all 🙂 Not like I am a priority to anyone.
Thus, the mission begins:
Time to rediscover the girl whom I was…the happy, carefree, lighthearted smiley-girl 😀
I don’t know how or where I lost her, but somewhere along my journey of relocating to Australia, unfortunately! After the years of self discovery of a survivor…how could I possible lose myself again? Sighhh…
Time to live my life to the fullest – in reality, not just virtually!
Adieu, Facebook…till I come out of this antisocial phase & feel the need to reconnect again (with people who mostly wouldn’t even realize I’m gone!?? *roll eyes*)