Confession…

I have a confession to make. I Feel LOST! Demotivated.

At a time when a good number of ex-colleagues from my internship day are being awarded the status of ‘specialist’ in their respective fields, for having passed the final exams in their respective master programmes….when a handful are already specialists 1-2 years ago…where am I? Career wise…

I am tired, exhausted of ‘banging my head to dead end walls’ in any direction I turn to.

***

Two months ago, I appeared for an exam…and successfully completed it – the agony of preparing & going through it *shudder*. It ain’t easy to walk alone…this is an important qualification to obtain to secure my registration to practice in this blessed country.

Had I failed it…I would have been more accepting. Had I failed 2 stations to obtain a ‘pass’ mark, thus being a borderline candidate, I would have said I am not cut out for it. But…BUT – merely ONE station away from ‘Pass’ – *ouch*! And that too I realized one week post exam that I made an unforgivable error….one of mistaken identity – ANATOMMY! The skeleton of medicine *shocked*

How dumb can one be?

And the result truly was a surprise, as a couple of cases I thought I would have flunked, I passed…while another few that I was confident about, sigh….

I am still kicking myself in my butt regarding that exam.

The words “You have failed to fulfill the pass requirement” hurts alot. I was pacifying myself that I didn’t fail, not pass…but have made it to borderline at my first attempt itself, while I have come across people who had numerous attempts, or at least 2 attempts after attending preparatory courses & trial exams.

In that sense, “pat onn my back”. But WHY Am I comparing myself to others?

Was my preparation satisfactory? NOPE.

Attending Thursday classes…
Countable practice sessions with friends…
Daily practice of history taking & examination techniques with patients…
Being distracted by something more imminent – I didn’t give it my all.
Anxiety robbed me of my concentration on some fine days, further halting my studies.

***

Recently, I have come to admit to myself that there is only ONE issue with me. The root of all the tardiness, laziness, death of motivation:
Self diagnosed myself to be afflicted with “Attitude Problem”!

Burnout post exam. FINE.

But…but…2 months later, and after 2 getaways…a soul that still dowan to re-start the in-built study engine – I have no other words. From the insomniac post exam…I am becoming a hypersomiac. If I will myself, I will just sleep…and sleep…and SLEEP the whole day long, until I HAVE TO get up & get ready for work, etc…

Trying to set up ‘dates’ so that I will get up. But due to the wet wet days & cold weather, even those I’m finding excuses to reschedule and forego. Hmmmm…

Last year this time, I was afflicted by a similar bug…is this merely SAD (seasonal affective disorder), or is it just me – losing myself?

***

When recently I have received compliments on being ‘brave’, ‘gutsy’, ‘adventurous’ for making this big move of moving to a new country all alone, without family…I am beginning to wonder what exactly do I want in Life? What am I out to achieve? Is this what I truly want?

Mid life crisis maybe…

Hmmm…perhaps what I need is a soul searching journey:
From Places to See In Your Lifetime site.

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