December 2012…I decided to give a go for a proposition to try to work towards working (what was then) overseas.
The final reason to set my mind to it & get marching forward towards the goal was a single thought : 10yrs down the road I don’t want to regret thinking what would have been different had I chosen the road less travelled.
Maybe not that less travelled nowdays anymore…but personally (coming from a family where no first degree relatives live out of the country except for a few years of furthering studies) & culturally (how many girls of Indian background who are single live in a country where they have no family nor frequently visiting parents/family?).
But lately. ..losing hope, motivation & happiness due to day to day stressors…I’m beginning to fear 5 years from now I’ll still be a nobody…looking for a direction in life still. While having wasted the prime of my life working for unethical people who treat you like a pushover.
This can’t happen. ..last winter I was depressed especially after being humiliated to the core. Fearing a repeat performance (which if ever occurs, I’m walking out), after almost 20 months of working here..I still haven’t breathed a word asking for a pay rise. Since when did I turn into a coward? Since last winter…
I do not want to turn 35…or 40…regretting my choices & the life I’ve lived.
I can feel myself sinking into it already…despite the promise to the self not another winter being depressed & sleeping whole day (almost) long. Officially its still autumn…but the symptoms reared its ugly head about 2 months ago.
Is this depression or SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?
When one can’t remember when was the last time one felt truly HAPPY on an average day of one’s life…wondering again and again what is the purpose of this life?
Perhaps. .Perhaps it is just high time to pack up and continue walking.
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